Margaret Teacher: British humour - (part 1: Olympic jokes)

Lately, I've got really inspired by one of your comments (thank you dziobas:) concerning the recent Olympics...

I decided to share my best findings with you. Some of them are just hilarious:

Two Englishmen Meet a German Tourist at the London Olympics

A German competitor was lost, and wanted directions to the Olympic village in Stratford, London. He was standing outside East Ham tube station when he saw two lads walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at the German.

'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?' He tries.

The two continue to stare.

'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The London lads remain totally silent.

The German Olympian walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'

'Why?' says the youth, 'That German guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!'

Five Best, Clean and Interesting Quotes by Olympians

I was not talented enough to run and smile at the same time - Emil Zatopek, champion Czechoslovakian distance runner, when asked about unusual facial expression when running.
The swimming and diving were held in part of the old moat ... it was the clammiest, darkest place and the water was frigid. It looked bottomless and black - Alice Landon, American Diver, on facilities at the Antwerp Games of 1920.
One shouldn't be afraid to lose; this is sport. One day you win; another day you lose. Of course, everyone wants to be the best. This is normal. This is what sport is about. This is why I love it. - Oksana Baiul, Olympic Gold Medalist
All I've done is run fast. I don't see why people should make much fuss about that - Dutch sprinter Fanny Blankers-Koen, who won four gold medals at the 1948 Games
To anyone who has started out on a long campaign believing that the gold medal was destined for him, the feeling when, all of a sudden, the medal has gone somewhere else is quite indescribable. - Sebastian Coe, after losing the 800m final in 1980.

Five Fabulous Funny Short Olympic Jokes

Former President Bush gave a rousing inspirational speech yesterday to the USA Olympics Fencing team. Bush told the athletes, 'Now go out there and build that fence.' - Conan O'Brien
Nastia Luikin won the gold in the woman's all-around event in gymnastics. The competition was nasty, but she was Nastia.
Why isn't sun tanning an Olympic sport?
Because the best you can ever get is bronze.
A javelin thrower called Vicky
Found the grip of her javelin sticky.
When it came to the throw
She couldn't let go
Making judging the distance quite tricky.
Heard on the BBC News: 'The Olympic Countdown Clock has stopped, I think it's a wind-up.'

10 Funny Olympic Commentating Howlers

The Republic of China - back in the Olympic Games for the first time.
And the line up for the final of the Women's 400 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman. (Guy had to read the last word again FrenchMAN?)
That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world record.
Old Olympic skiers never die. They just go downhill.
Paralympics: 'They're making great strides with their swimming'.
The late start for this final is due to the time.
Watch the time - it gives you an indication of just how fast they are running (Ron Pickering).
Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition does not like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces".
You won't win silver medals at the Olympic Games unless you're the very, very best. - Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator.